Let’s summarize, shall we?

Short version.

• My 16yr old dog died. I am sad. My child was inconsolable. Which made me more sad.  I still find myself looking at her blanket or going to get her dog food or finding some hair under the furniture. Poor Bella.  It was odd how it happened. Quick thankfully, but not really expected.  I mean she moved relatively slowly, she was thin, her eyes were cloudy.  She hadn’t eaten in a couple of days (not unusual, she’d done that her whole life), but one afternoon I found her lying in her own pee looking lethargic. I bathed her, and she never liked baths. She had enough energy to drench me from head to toe, and to snort water all over me. I dried her off and put her on her bed. I went on to cook supper, clean up after the kids and went to check on her. Her respiration rate had gone way down, she was not too responsive. On the way to the vets she was still breathing but by the time we got there she was no longer breathing, had no corneal reflex… but her heart was still beating. We stopped her heart, my child wailed, The Guy and I cried. Say hi to dad Bella. We miss you.

 

• BFF’s 4 month old daughter is sick, and has been flown to another facility to have her bone marrow tapped. Please pray.

 

• MIL has finally broken her silence and actually communicated with The Guy. The good news is that we know she’s alive, her finances are being looked after and she’s taking her medication. The bad news is that she refuses to take any responsibility for anything and continues to look outside of herself for someone else to blame. Head games, poor decisions continue, and I fear we may end up with further hospitalizations etc. And as for the doctor saying you can leave the hospital? That does not mean he said you SHOULD leave the hospital.

 

• I find it quite rich that in a letter sent to me by MIL she told me to get over the death of my father and that I was setting a poor example to my child by showing her I could not cope with anything. Hmmm. I know she’s mentally ill, but it’s hard not to have feelings when people say things like that to you. Get over it. Indeed.

 

• This whole months has been a sea of respite therapeutic foster care for teenage boys. My house is filthy. I am drained. I found myself annoyed  when I felt one of the boys was not ‘grateful’ enough for all the accomodations and thought I was providing to make his stay as comfortable as possible. I quickly slapped myself . Is this why I do this? Gratitude? Nope? So shut up then. Okay.

 

• There’s a huge controversy about this article.  Adoptive parents are scared a negative article about adoptions form Ethiopia will negatively affect the future of adoptions. There are lines being drawn in the sand. “I had a good experience!”  ”I had a bad experience!” “Adoption is good!”  “Adoption is bad!”  “The article was biased and negative!” “The article brought to public attention irregularities!”  “These families are brave!” “These families are selfish!”  I’ll save my ideas for another post.  Though I must say I really do HATE,  HATE, HATE the title “Buying Babies”. Mostly it makes me tired.

 

• I’m planning my daughter’s 5th birthday party. How did this happen? What a cliche… The time does fly though.

Mara ~ Spring is almost here!!!

Para-tonsillary abcesses, racism 101

Trust me, it hurts. A lot. Like swallowing a thousand razor blades in a mouthful of drool, and it leaves you choking and a little panicked by it all. So anyway, tons of meds and some AWESOME, GODSENT mouthwash, and I have moved beyond the insanity and the creeping anxiety everytime I felt the need to swallow. It made me freak out a little when the walk-in doctor asked if the doctors in the emergency department had even looked in my mouth the previous day….  Hmmm thanks emerg!

Now onto a subject that is just exhausting me! And I’m white! And privileged in ways I am sure I have not yet acknowledged! And I’m heterosexual! And I’m middle class! Did I mention I am white? And I live in Canada!  

 ENOUGH with the slant eye gesture! Es tu Miley? Es tu Miley?

Now I could start the whole southern-God-fearing-trailerpark-cousin-marrying-idiot-parent analogies, but  that would be uncalled for. And I would only gain a moment of satisfaction until the self-loathing would creep in. So I rise above.

So, it’s the racist ‘chink eye’ gesture again. Dude, my Chinese daughter does not need to see that shit from a Disney Billion Dollar Empire. And can I once again say how incredibly sick I am of the non-apology? (See here).  And that poor Asian guy in the picture, just coming to realize that his friends are a bunch of racists. Sigh.  

Miley says her actions were taken out of context. I have a tidy little sum running on whether she knows what that actually means. All she has to do is provide said context. And poor Miley, she was just trying to make ‘goofy faces’. Because, you know, those asians are really goofy looking. How can she be expected to control herself?  And the kicker is that she can’t believe SHE is being targetted for being a racist when God has a plan for her and the evil media are just trying to get hits on their websites or copies of trashmags sold, and her fans know her heart, and she’s really just a young, silly girl. Wow. It sucks to be the victim doesn’t it Miley? Because of course how could some slant eye ever understand anything about being marginalized, being discriminated against or having to watch some un-taught child do the equivalent of calling you the n-word? Because that gesture is exactly the same thing. The. Exact.Same.Thing.  And please don’t argue, because as a whitey you (and me) do NOT get to tell people of colour what is and is not racist. You just don’t.

And now I’d like to hate-on so called allies. You know who you are. You are the white parents of children of colour who don’t want your children to see racism behind every tree. You don’t want your child to run away with a ‘victimhood’ mentality, or to be ‘oversensitive’, or to walk around being constantly ‘offended’.  You say you’ll be there ‘if’ they encounter racism. IF?!  What you are teaching them is that YOU are insensitive! YOU are sending them the message that being one of ‘those’ people is not desirable. Of course your child never mentions anything about being the victim of racism…. because you, the parents, are racist. And the zipper is stuck on your white privilege bag. And it’s hard, but you have to be willing to learn, to unpack and do better. Your children deserve it. The gesture is not in good fun, the gesture perpetuates the beliefs of a racist society. If you are not Asian you do not know what it’s like to be Asian. If you are not adopted, you will never know how it feels to be adopted. These are not things we should teach our children to let ‘roll off their backs’. We need our children to know that we know it’s wrong and we will not let them navigate through a racist world without us having their back. And working actively to dismantle a power structure that refuses to fundamentally acknowledge and accept our children. Our children of colour. Yes, sometimes I hate my fellow adoptive parents. We can be so fucking clueless.

And once again the way to apologize is to say “I’m sorry. I’ll do better” and then sit down and shut up. A little hint in case you are having trouble formulating an apology, never, ever use the word “if”. Never.

Mara ~ I think I’m back

Hey! How are you stanger??

Alive! Yes I am! Thanks.

Where the fuck did December go? Dude. Awash with chocolate (6K truffles..  God I hate chocolate!) Drowning in exploding commercial 5K pasta machines….  Sooty from a wood fired brick oven… Awash in catering and cooking and orders and how I just am now HATING Christmas. Bah and Humbug! Not to mention the drowning in the CRAY-zee that has become my experience with therapeutic foster care ( a different teenage boy in my house every weekend or for a couple of weeks at a time). Good, but Cray-zee and unsettling and heartbreaking and hilarious and annoying and fun. So you can see the schizophrenic tone my life has had these last few weeks.

In other news,

• BFF had baby #3, she is awesome!(Both mom and baby). I was lucky to be there for this birth too. It’s all such an amazing, intense miracle. And totally reaffirming that I have TOTALLY made the right decision to NEVER EVER do that. Thank you very much!
• I’m secretly jealous about BFF having 3 (THREE!) kids, and my own stalled version of #2 still not even on the way here.
• I can’t bring myself to clean the DISASTER that has become of my work kitchen, and like almost everything else, the longer you leave it the worse it gets.
• Speaking of which, something I have left for 2 years is biting my ass and I can’t bring myself to deal with it, and leaving it is going to leave some not so nice consequences…. what is WRONG with me?
• The MIL situation is still up in the air. Mental illness is a bitch and unresolved stuff is just really difficult. SIGH. BIG BIG SIGH.
• Mom had a stroke, then went to Poland for three months. What is WRONG with her 80 yr old self?
• The holidays, aside from cray-zee-ness, was THE BOMB. Seriously. My kid is amazing. We were unpacking Christmas decoration (on the 23rd, I am not even kidding!) and I have a picture of my dad from a few Christmases ago, where he looks old, sick and pained, but still the guy I loved my whole life… and we put it up beside a birchtree candle and I light the candle and it’s way for me to remember. On evening at supper time Squirt says in a wistful voice that only a 4yr old can muster “I wish Grandpa was here.”  I responded that I did too. Her head whipped around and she looked me in the eye. “Don’t cry mama, he’s happy now you know.” Okay then. Insert wry smile. God I love her!
• the Wii is awesome, and MarioKart? Too. much. fun!

I hope everyone is doing well. I have over 500 items in my bloglines…. I’ll be making the rounds.

Mara ~ bad bad blogger

Warms my heart, breaks my heart

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27859660/

“To save adopted girl, California couple gives her up.”

Please read this article. Especially if you have adopted internationally or are in the process. Adoptive parents need to stop looking at solely filling their own desires and go into things with eyes wide open. We are not entitled to children. We are especially not entitled to other people’s children. Our desire to grow our family should never come at the expense of an ethical practice. And don’t dismiss this as just a problem unique to Guatemala. IT. IS. NOT.

I believe ethical international adoptions can and do occur. I also know that our privilege remains mostly unexamined and without a real understanding of the complexities of adoption we are doing a disservice to our children. We need to do more than acknowledge loss, we need to fight corruption and unethical practices. This is an adoptive parent’s responsibility. We need to actively fight against it. To not do so dimishes us all. Demand transparency, question your agency, look under the surface. Maybe see if you are able to change a request from an AYAP female? Maybe stop complaining about the wait for referral (and I sympathize with those waiting, I’ve been there/am there too) and consciously choose to err on the side of caution and let checks and balances play out? Maybe let your joy at referral be tempered a bit by the reality of a mother unable to care for her child and making a decision we could never imagine?  Realize that love in and of itself is not enough. It’s just not.

I want to look my daughter in the eye one day and tell her not only about my love for her, but about my love for her first family. I want her to know she was not a commodity, she was not “purchased” to fill my void. And I did not look the other way.  I will not look the other way.

Mara ~ off my dusty soapbox, sorry!

guilty guilty guilty pleasures

I lurve me a little Brad Pitt. In fact Brangelina is probably the only celebrity couple I follow.  God, that makes me feel so shallow writing that….   But dude, the hotness of those two. Well it’s quite sickening actually.  Friends and I have jokingly wondered aloud if in some alternate universe we could ‘pick’ one of the two… it would be a hard decision. Yeah. I disgust myself too right now. 

So back to Brad. He was on Oprah last week and I had to watch it TWICE, because that is what a pathetic loser I am.  His stories about the kids? Heart melting here. The pictures he took of Angelina? Sigh. The answer to the question about what he would do if there was no papparazzi? Broke my heart. He wants to take down his fences, have a barbeque and wave at the cars going by.

I am so pathetic.

AND

I watched the season finale to America’s Next Top Model.

Mara ~ is there anything lower than this level to which I have sunk so quickly?

Alive

She made it back to her condo. The police have checked on her and they say she seems okay. She does not answer the phone and has not contacted anyone. She is not paying some bills. Looks like power of attorney aquisition is imminent so maybe we’ll have a better idea what is going on then. The saga continues. We have not been able to contact her about her dog, and to let her know she died in the apartment and had to be removed, so we have no idea what she knows or if it even matters in her mental state. We don’t know if she has a job. Though with the hospitalization and basicly falling off the face of the earth I would imagine not….

Mara ~ thanking God for small gifts

Kindergarten sadness

Oh the woes of junior kindergarten for my little tyke….

“Mama, why did G call me a poo poo head?  I think those are bad words and I think that is making a poor choice. “

She pauses for a minute then asks,

“Mama will Madame P give him a maturmal comsemquence (natural consequence)?”

Mara ~ my words are being reflected back to me…. though obviously not completely understood

Community Harmony

Dear neighbour gentleman,

Please be assured that when The Guy passed your truck on the highway it was not a personal affront. No offense was intended and we are very sorry. And please be advised it is not okay to pull your vehicle into our driveway in a fit of pique to yell about aforementioned Guy’s unforgivable driver error. It is especially not okay to ever physically accost anyone. Also? It is totally not cool to scream IN FRONT OF A TERRIFIED FOUR YEAR OLD. Ever. And didn’t your mother ever teach you that it is not polite to point? As was mentioned, The Guy would be happy to talk to you about your concerns in private re: his irresponsible driving. And when someone asks you to stop yelling in front of a child who has NEVER been exposed to such barbaric behaviour, please respect the request and dissist from continuing your tirade. Your loud, obnoxious tirade. Also? After you repeatedly ignore very respectful requests to lower your voice and to STEP OFF, please realize that it comes to the point where we feel a bit threatened and we have no choice other than to mention the police.  Please leave our property when we respectfully (without raising voices even!) ask or we feel we must protect ourselves and call the police to have you removed.

Also? Please look out for advertisements for assistance in dealing with road rage issues. I feel they may be of great benefit to you. And taking a deep breath and counting to ten can avoid much neighbourhood discord and awkwardness.  Please also remember that kindness is often a better choice as you just never know what battles we could be fighting inside. Would you have acted the same way if you knew that the Guy’s mom was missing and we had just found out? Would you have terrified my daughter if you knew your actions would result in days of anxious questions from a sensitive little girl? Questions like why did that man yell? I do NOT like that man! Where does that man live? Is that angry man coming here again? How do you suggest I comfort her? And please realize that I wanted to shield her from the harsh realities of the world a little longer, because her life has not always been all sunshine and roses and she feels loss deeply.  And she has suffered great loss.  And all the work I do to try to make her feel safe and loved and cherished can all too easily slip away when she sees the scary stuff that can happen outside her door. And I couldn’t even protect her from the scary stuff that lives across the street.

And I understand that substance abuse issues can cause erratic behaviour and can lead to unpleasantness. And alcoholism is a cruel and vicious disease. And for that I am truly sorry. See? We all have personal demons, and I think we could all use some grace.  I just don’t want those demons around my child or on my property ever again.

Thank you.

Respectfully,

Your country neighbour

Tears and closure

I went to a funeral today. It was the first one I could force myself to go to since my dad died. My dad did not want a funeral, or a service or anything. We had a small family gathering two weeks after he died and that was that.  As I was sitting in the church my grandparents built when they came to Canada from Denmark, the church where my dad was baptized, and where Tom’s service was taking place, I couldn’t stop crying. Good thing I was at a funeral.

I loved Tom. He was one of those perpetual people you have in your life. He grew up with my dad in a little rural community that housed the largest settling of Danish people in Canada. I don’t ever remember not knowing him. I played with his children, in highschool I may have smoked pot with his daughter at some party. And he was just part of that world backdrop you have growing up where people are your friends and they feel like they will always be there, even if you didn’t see them for a year.

Tom died of massive head injuries following a motor vehicle accident. It was sudden and unexpected for a 73 yr old. He had five children, 10 grandchildren and a whole community that loved him.  And he was one more piece of my dad that I lost.  He would come out to my mom’s after dad died and tell mom to put him to work. He was awesome.  He took adventures on his own, and travelled North America extensively and on the cheap (and I mean really cheap). He camped under the Florida Keys stars, drove the entire Alaskan highway, canoed and skiied and kayaked. What a beautiful free spirit. And one of the hardest working people I have ever had the privelege of knowing.

As I sat in that tiny church that I love so much, with such a meaningful history to my family, I watched the whole community crowd in. There was no standing room left. We were packed in like sardines in a bursting can. People were standing outside. And it was a tribute to the kind of person Tom was. It was perfect. For him. I also had the sudden realization as I was sitting there that it was not something my dad would have wanted. But sitting there with all the people dad grew up with, I could cry with them. I could mourn my dad in the community that raised him up to be an amazing man, and I could cry for Tom who was also a product of that great place.

My dad didn’t want to be buried, he had things he wanted done with his ashes. And we respected his wishes. Of course we did. But there was a little part of me, as I walked to the cemetery next door that wishes I could have had that physical place to visit my dad. We had a family plot, my grandparents were buried there, and all the people of my grandparents generation. I love cemeteries. And I am madly in love with that cemetery.  I said hi to Nanny and Papa as I walked by their headstones. I still miss them, but in that wistful, immature way one has when loss occurs before we can fully appreciate the extent of what is no longer. The way I miss my dad is much more intense.

As I walked into the church I noticed Tom’s youngest daughter cradling her two little girls. I saw her swollen eyes, and look of shock in her eyes. It took what little restraint I had not to run to her. I did bend down, give her a hug and say “I am so sorry. It is so hard to lose your dad. It’s just hard.” She looked up at me and for one second we shared that understanding that comes when someone can truly share your grief.  “Yes it is..Yeah….”.  It’s not really a club we want to belong to, but we do. We both had fantastic dads, and we are both very grateful in our heartbreak. 

Mara ~  So Tom, could you say hi to Dad? I dunno if he was expecting you so soon, but I’m sure he’s happy to see a familiar face. You rest in peace Tom, you are well loved.

Thanks and an update

You guys are the best! Thanks for the notes both private and here.

She has now signed herself out against medical advice.

And now there is a missing person’s report in TWO cities with her name on them. And what happens if/when she gets back to the condo and wonders what the smell is, and oh I dunno….  “WHERE the fuck is my DOG?”

Mara ~ I feel like maybe she’ll knock on my door, and then what would I do?