today. A lot. Tears and everything. Sigh.
Part of it has to do with Julia I think. Dude, no one should die two days after their 25th birthday.
Part of it has to do with some family ick, that just struck me completely unsuspecting, out of left field.
Part of it has to do with medical stuff with my mom. (Count them, THREE surgeries… yippee!)
Part of it has to do with spring (OMG IT IS FINALLY HERE!!)
Mostly it just makes me feel alone. I’m a bit back to feeling like I lost everything when I lost him, even though I know that is not true. I had a dream about him a couple of weeks ago. It’s odd, but I thought after he died I would still feel him. You know, a presence, a memory, some warmth, some comforting dreams, some safety. I haven’t felt anything. My mom says she has, and it makes me jealous in a completely messed up way because I don’t even know what I believe about the afterlife.
So the dream. It was comforting. He was coming out of the bathroom and getting some clothes out of his dresser. I ran to him and grabbed his arm, to make sure I wasn’t just seeing things. I was saying stupid things like “You’re dead. I can finally feel you, but you’re dead. I miss you. Oh my God it’s you. I miss you.” He looked back at me a little confused, but when I woke up I felt like I was close to him again. I could still feel his arm in my hand. And that was both good and really hard. Grief sucks. It really does. I finally feel like I can breathe again, and then the wave comes crashing back to suffocate me. It’s already been almost 9 months. And the waves still hurt a lot.
Mara ~ trying to remember how incredibly blessed I was to have had such a great dad
Hey dad I still miss you. Sometimes when someone asks me a home improvement related question I still think “i’ll ask dad”, and then I remember that I can’t. It’s selfish really, but I don’t have a dad around that can fix things and it makes me resentful of people who do. How’s that for self-centered? L. told me she misses you and wants to know who it was that took you to heaven. She wants to write you a thank you card for fixing her little stool that you put back together last year. A memory like an elephant that girl. So, where do I send the card? I have to believe I’ll see you again sometime because without that I don’t know how to manage my grief or my loss. So, I’ll see you again someday. Let’s parle about the weather and get annoyed at our own procrastination. It’ll be like old times. Love you. Bye.
