I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
I read a lot about the adoption industry, including many first mom blogs, adult adoptee blogs, transracial/transnational adoptee blogs, anti-adoption websites, etc etc. Man, does adoption reform ever need to happen, and WOW, some people have no clue. The more I learn, the more I realize that adoptive parents themselves often have no clue. But this comment made by Lori Tay has me all pissed off and I have seemingly lost my ability to put some coherent thoughts together. I should probably keep my mouth shut, but like an idiot I just can’t restrain myself.
Here’s the comment:
Anti-adoption advocates hate infertile couples in general, seeing us as the problem. What they fail to realize is that many, many infertile couples have NO desire at all to adopt. For us, adoption would only be a VERY LAST RESORT.
That’s right, birthmothers – your child would be a last resort for us, whether you like that or not. Your child is not the great prize you may think he is. What most of us want most is our own biological child!
Thank God for advances in reproductive medicine. IVF success rates are improving all the time. I predict in the future there will be a lot fewer people adopting or fostering children, because they will be able to have their own child.
So, where do I start? First of all, I am all up in arms about how my daughter would feel if she read something like this. How dare she say my child is a last resort? Or that she is a replacement child? How dare she make some judgement on my child’s inherent worth. I can’t imagine the depth of her unmitigated temerity to even use the word ‘birthmother’ with the disgust one uses on a person that they consider to be garbage under their feet. How dare she insult the person that gave my child life?
How dare that she feels so ENTITLED to a child that she mentions adoption like it’s something that she still has a RIGHT to be available to her (but you know, only as a last resort…). Because, in her arrogance she still thinks she’d be the better parent. Even after she proves herself unworthy of even her ‘own’ biological child. And how dare she suggests that people adopt only due to infertility (as a preferential adopter, people make this assumption about me all the time, and I hate it). Or that my child is some consolation. And her commodification of adopted children as ‘prizes’ makes me what to tear out my hair. Hard. In big clumps.
I’m not sure if you picked up on my hostility, but I am feeling a little angry. And now that I’ve made my little tirade and vented my spleen, I’m starting to feel a little sad. I don’t want to admit these people exist. It messes up my little adoption world. But, they do exist. Adult adoptees have been telling us for years that adoptive parents feel like this. If not out in the open, in the deep dark recesses of adoptee experience where they never felt good enough, never measured up. Of course, no one listened to adoptees. It’s easy to dismiss people with labels like “angry”, “ungrateful”, “bitter”, or to sweep a story under the carpet by saying that one individual had a ‘bad experience’. Especially when they don’t want to hear it when they’re being sold a line of bullshit that portrays adoption as something that will ’cure’ infertility.
Truth is, Lori can only speak for herself. She can’t speak for all infertile people, or for all adoptive parents. She certainly does not speak for me. And I would hate for people to think that everyone who adopts after infertility feels this way. But, I think she’s the sharp, pointy, mean tip of an unimaginably large and damaged iceberg. And that, my friends, is the most disturbing (though not surprising) thing of all.
Mara ~ I have a headache
Thank you, and Amen.
There are extremists in every camp. Anyone that uses “hate” as a basis for their movement won’t get very far. (Referring to “hating” “infertiles.”) That said, there are extremists on the very opposite side of this fence as well, wanting to remove children from any mother who isn’t married and doesn’t make x-number of dollars. They’re both sick, sad groups of people with hidden agendas and issues.
Reform is needed, obviously, but in the right way and with a realistic approach. And respect!
I understand your anger. However, I can understand the anger of Lori-Tay as well. Personally, I’d be thrilled to be given the opportunity to adopt or foster a child in need. BUT- I also resent the assumption that infertile couples are more responsible than others to see that children are adopted/ fostered. Adoption is not a bandaid- it is something that should not be considered JUST because you can’t have children of your own, and to have it suggested that if you ARE infertile “you can always adopt”, is a slap in the face, and I believe this is where Lori-Tay’s comment is truly stemming from. It is human nature to want a biological child, and while I don’t agree entirely with what the commenter said, I don’t agree entirely with your anger over her feelings either.
On that note, however, this is a great post, I’m glad I found it!
I know this post is OLD, but…
“It’s easy to dismiss people with labels like “angry”, “ungrateful”, “bitter”, or to sweep a story under the carpet by saying that one individual had a ‘bad experience’.”
Yeah. Yeah it is.